I remember that night,
Begging on my knees.
‘Explain to me’.
Please give that guidance.
Where are you?
My back against the headboard, tears falling down my chin,
The cool breeze of the fan blowing air around my room, crushing me with its expectations and judgment.
But I never heard back from you.
How dare I question the rules,
How dare I wonder about life beyond the boundaries that have been set for me,
By someone who has never answered back when I have called.
I must simply not be good enough.
Memories of running through a room when I was too young to realize what was happening,
Memories of having to stay in silent formation, reciting words that have been long drilled into me,
Memories of once having fallen asleep to a soothing sound of a powerful loud voice reciting words that I have read and recited again and again,
now leave a bad taste in my mouth and tears in my eyes.
The last memory of my late father,
his last words, now perceived with a new lens,
now tainted by the knowledge that he would have never accepted me.
The rose-tinted glasses have melted down,
Into rose-tinted glass that has shattered into so many little pieces,
That even if I wanted to go back,
I will never be able to.
But now I stand a new person,
As I have found Salvation.
I remember those days.
Going through motions of serving,
Without ever knowing the point of them.
Trying to find meaning in those actions,
day in day out, living in denial
day in, day out,
deep inside, praying for acceptance.
My knees hitting the ground, my eyes closed and clouded.
My forehead touching that carpet, breathing in the scent that brought happiness from childhood memories,
And the bone-crushing weight of judgement and failure.
I remember that night when I found salvation
Salvation without God.
Blind loyalty never suited me anyway.
and as I sat on my bed, my back against the headboard.
I found my salvation,
How when I called out to the universe,
The cool covers around my legs became weightless,
My mind quieted;
My soul at rest;
My breathing is silent.
But the sound of my blood rushing through my ears could be heard in that dark room,
The room where I have cried and laughed and doubted, time and time again.
As I called out to the universe for its secrets and answers
I found Salvation without God.